What's wrong with me?

Hey to Anyone interested! I will probably be blogging like crazy this year cause I have so much I need to put out in the world. All my life I have gone through so much growing up. It's hard growing up with an older sister who everyone thinks is so beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I have never been ugly. My sister has just always been a perfect size 7. I could wear my sisters clothes at 11. I know it has to do with the fact that we have different dads. Her dad and my mom were always slim. My dad on the other hand has always been a big man. My sister takes more after my mother and I take more after my dad. Well it's one thing when outside people call her the pretty one and make a difference between us, but it's a whole other thing when family does it. I always thought family is suppose to love you unconditionally?! Well I learned that that is not always the case. My mom, dad, and sister love me unconditionally. At least I think so. Mom has always made sure that no one made a difference between us in her presence but come on now mom can't be with me all the time. I got tired of telling her every time someone treated me bad. So I learn to deal with it. I won't lie and say that I never thought about taking my own life or ask myself why I was born. Then I think about things that would have happened to my mom had I not been born. See I have saved my mom from a poisonous snake and a man that was watching her to do only God knows what. So that is what has kept me going. As I got older and lived my life such as it is. I have watched my mom and sister date. I have seen men lose their minds over them. I wonder what do they have that I don't? When I was younger I always thought it was that they were prettier than me. But as I matured I learn that that was not it. I had everything they had....Sure it came in a bigger package but that was the only difference. I just had poor self esteem. Well as I started dating, I learned a lot. I learned a lot from my mom and sister. I learned a lot on my own. Don't get me wrong I can honestly look back and say that I loved and dated one guy that was truly GREAT! But my low self esteem ruined it. I have had lots of guy friends and I love them all. Some of them I thought I loved but it wasn't love. It was that I idealize them because I thought they were the cutest guy and I felt like I needed or wanted them to prove something to all those people who belittled me growing up? As I came into myself I learned that there was a lot of men attracted to me when I wasn't worried about them. I figure it was because I wasn't sexing every Tom, Dick, or Harry and I wasn't interested in them like that. I was to busy idealizing the "Eye Candy". Dating has never been my problem, my problem has been realizing who wanted me for me and not to use me. I always wanted to know what it was like to be able to steal someone else's man. So I did it and as you might guess he wasn't worth stealing. But he did give me the best gift ever. He gave me my daughter. Now as I look around me I realize that I have traveled a path that has taking me away from the things that I thought I wanted the most. I wanted to be a virgin until I married, that didn't happen. I wanted to be married by 25, that didn't happen. I wanted to find my "Boaz", but I haven't yet. That's the one thing that I can still look for but the others I can not. I realize now that I didn't love myself enough and I didn't think I deserve to have the best because of my weight. I know now that I deserve the best that a man has to offer. I am worthy and Damn IT! I will get it or live alone. So to anyone who can relate to this on any level I just want to say learn to love yourself and know your worth. Don't settle for anything just to say you have someone. You deserve the best and the rest can shove it up their butts! I believe there is someone for everyone and we just have to be ready to receive them when they cross your path. Stay Strong! I won't say that having a standard isn't lonely sometimes but I refuse to settle for less than a man absolute best cause that's what I am bringing to the table!

2010!

Hey everyone! I have a question how many people actually keep there new years resolutions? Well as for me I don't waste my time making them. My year is going to be what I make of it! This year I have a lot of things planned for myself. I plan to grow my faith. I plan to continue making myself healthier. 2009 was no the best year that I have had. But I believe that everything happens to us for a reason and I try to learn from it and move on. Stress yall is killing us! How can we allow stress to take us out. I mean young people are dying left and right yall. Is it really worth it. My thoughts are so vast and I want to share them all with whomever wants to listen. I have lived a wild life and I have knowledge beyond my years. I am new to this blogging but this year I will give it a try. I have so many topics that I want to hit on. Life is too short for all the craziness and I am purging this year! I'm sure I will be sad, mad, depress, happy, but most of all I will be working on being the best person I can be.